There are just so many Nintendo games out there, who has time to play them all? Apparently I do; all of them, 5 min per game. After my playing I will give each game a rating of 0 or 1. Sometimes I will have guests drop by and help.

  • Bill and Ted’s Excellent Video Game Adventure - 1/1

    Originally I gave it a 0 because of the totally convoluted gameplay. They give you a phonebook, but all of the phone numbers except one are busy… How are you supposed to know!? Maybe the excessively long cutscene explained? Why not just have a level 1 and call it a day? Anyway, once I got beyond that, the gameplay seemed fine and it had good music. Also, I love Keanu.

  • Bill Elliot’s NASCAR - 0/1

    So boring… I might argue this is even more boring that Pole Position.

  • Bionic Commando - 1/1

    Plenty of unique and badass platforming action to be had. This game is amazing. Awesome music, level selection, tons of guns, metal grappling arm, it has it all! I could beat this game on call as a child. Add it to the pile of Capcom classics boys.

  • Black Bass - 0/1

    This terrible fishing simulator does little to seek the true fishing experience. Might as well be called boredom simulator. Actually, I take that back, the boredom is far from a simulation. Boredom inducer maybe.

  • Blackjack - 1/1

    Not much not to like. The game deals you blackjack hands, and does all of them math and shuffling for you. You can even play with two players, which would actually make this a pretty decent drinking game. I am happy to see my “double the bet after a loss” methodology succeed.

My lovely wife-to-be joins in, just in time for Bible Adventures!

Bible Adventures – 1/1

I have seen many people review this game including Angry Nerd and Pat the Punk. The game seems to get a bad rap, known as a classic bad game. Well it certainly isn’t a good game, but there is nothing too horrible about it. Dare I even say … an innovative platformer?

Bible Buffet – 0/1

First let me just say the game itself doesn’t seem to have ANYTHING “Bible” about it. It’s just some boring board game and I assume the questions sections require you to answer Bible-related questions. I don’t know for sure because I don’t have whatever book they refer to. Unfortunately, even if I had that book this game wouldn’t be fun.

Big Nose Freaks Out – 1/1

I think this is the sequel to Big Nose the Caveman? For some unknown reason in this game you are a caveman riding a skateboard. The good news is, it’s fun!

Big Nose the Caveman – 1/1

It’s a platformer. It isn’t terrible.

Bigfoot – 0/1

It’s a multiplayer monster truck racing game with multiple game modes. I gave it a 0 because it was too hard to figure out. However I think if I spent more than 5 minutes playing it, and figured out the controls, I would probably enjoy it.

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Battletoads Double Dragon – 1/1

It has all the co-op fun of both Battletoads AND Double Dragon but in one single game. If you think about it, the mixture is pretty confusing. The Double Dragon dudes come from a gritty, realistic world of street crime. The Battletoads come from some kind of weird sci-fi fantasy world were frogs and pigs do battle… Why together? Whatever, the game rocks.

BB Car – 1/1

It’s a simple game, looks like an old arcade port. The premix is pretty neat though. You control a little race car, and your goal is to collect all the flags on the course without crashing into any of the crazy enemy cars. Your car has the ability to poop out little obstacles which temporarily disable enemy cars. The graphics and sound is pretty meh, but the gameplay is solid.

Beauty and the Beast – 0/1

The controls are the big issue here. They are horrible. It feels like there is a 2 second delay after every button press. You Hudson Soft makes a ton of very shitty games. I am going to put them on my radar and keep track. I will admit though, the part in the game when I had to stick close to the candle man so I could see was pretty clever. Couldn’t save the game though.

Bee 52 – 0/1

I guess the rom is glitches… What can I say. Chances are it’s bad.

Beetlejuice – 0/1

A commentor told me I shouldn’t judge games poorly JUST because they are LJN titles. I would argue that I have not! I gave Back to the Future a 1/1 despite that game being almost universally hated. I will play every game for five minutes and be as fair as possible. Being fair… Beetlejuice is a piece of shit.

Best of the Best – 0/1

The concept rocks, but the controls! They are even worse than Beauty and the Beast! Maybe this is the kind of game you need a manual for? I don’t know. I tried my best to figure it out, and just when I thought I was on to something it turns out I wasn’t. I pretty much mashed random buttons for 5 minutes and didn’t have a good time doing it.

 

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My friends are still here to tackle a few more games! Even Emily get’s in on the action even though she can’t seem to get into frame 🙁

Batman Return of the Joker – 0/1

Looking back at this game, it actually doesn’t look very bad. I mean it’s a decent action platformer with Batman in it. There are plenty of power ups and the controls aren’t even bad. Well… you can watch the gameplay and judge for yourself. Maybe some nostalgia colored glasses are needed?

Batman – 1/1

Loved this game back when I owned it on NES and I still love it now. Wall jumping has never felt more badass. I also love how you just punch the shit to of dudes with your fists. The music is also some of the best.

Battle Chess – 0/1

I remember having a blast playing this game on my Mac back in the day. The Mac/PC version was MUCH better than this… The concept of this game is actually pretty good. It livens up the standard game of chess with cool and varied animations and gives it a cool phantasy feel. Problem is on NES the absurd slowness of the gameplay ruins any fun or entertainment.

Battle of Olympus – 1/1

It’s a fun action RPG. It plays and feels like Legend of Zelda, and doesn’t have any glaring flaws. I read an in depth review of the game in the first issue of Retro magazine and it actually looks like a great game. I would have been happy to own it in my childhood.

Battleship – 1/1

I fully expected this to be even worse than Battle Chess. Turns out they didn’t only make a fast paced version of Battleship but they even added some innovation in the form of different missile types that target different patters on the grid. Decent.

Battletoads – 1/1

What a classic! Everyone knows this is getting a 1/1 the game is iconic. The game has 2-player co-op, which automatically puts it way ahead of the pack. The gameplay is fun and varied, the music rocks, and the game is hard as nails! Pure classic.

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The Bard’s Tale – 0/1

Some forgettable RPG that has a very clunky control scheme and probably requires a manual. These NES RPGs do not age well. If you need role-playing fix, why would you ever play this?

Barker Bill’s Trick Shooting – 0/1

Requires light gun. Might be a good game but I will never know.

Baseball Simulator 1.000 – 1/1

Baseball Stars – 1/1

Baseball Stars II – 1/1

Bases Loaded 4 – 0/1

What can I say… As far as baseball games go, these are pretty fun. I hate baseball, but I do enjoy the competitive nature of playing with your friends. Bases Loaded 4 is the worst of the bunch, but as long as it’s 2 player it can’t be that bad.

Batman Returns – 0/1

This is like a reverse port of Batman Returns on SNES and I bet you can imagine how that goes. It’s just okay as an SNES game but it’s very boring on NES.

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It might look like I reviewed 7 games this session but I ran into a Nintendo Power Glove only game and was forced to give it a 0. I also gave a 0 to the golf game without playing it. Sorry golf fans! Bonus, fresh sound effects and a phone call interruption!

Back to the Future II & III – 0/1

It is a terrible platformer with bad controls and worse music. The enemies don’t have anything to do with the movie. They are robots, birds and colored balls. I once saw a human being that threw things at me and that was about as close to the movie as it got.

Bad Dudes – 1/1

This game has a reputation of being pretty terrible but I don’t agree. I had this game as a kid and it was awesome! Karnov is in it, you fight ninjas, you are a bad dude, what more can you ask for? The controls are good, you have a ton of cool moves including a charge-up hadoken punch and you fight a huge variety of enemies. Bonus for awesome music.

Bad News Baseball – 1/1

You have probably noticed that I am very hesitant to even play sports games because they are mostly SO BAD. The problem with that plan is I may miss awesome games like this! I hate baseball and I had a great time with this. The gameplay is simply enough to understand quickly, pitching and batting are both fun. This might be the best baseball simulator I have ever played. If I had this as a kid… I might be a Twins fan today.

Bad Street Brawler – 0/1

Power Glove required? Nice try Nintendo.

Balloon Fight – 1/1

It is a slightly modified remake of the arcade classic Joust. I love Joust and I love Balloon Fight. The gameplay is fun and has a high skill cap. I only played one mode but there is also a two player mode, and another mode called Balloon Trip in which you need to collect balloons while avoiding sparks. A+

Bandai Golf: Challenge Pebble Beach – 0/1

Yeah I didn’t even play it. I just “felt” that it was going to be terrible and spared myself.

Barbie – 0/1

There are worse games on NES for sure. I was torn about how to rate this game. On one hand, it is playable . On the other hand it has terrible control sound. Compared to any decent platformer it is terrible, although both of the “bosses” I faced did seem pretty inventive. In the end … I simply cannot recommend this game.

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Originally I was only doing USA games but then it occurred to me that some games were Europe only and I didn’t want to leave them out! I dumped the EU games into my list and four of them ended up being in parts of the alphabet that I have already played through. So this session is dedicated to getting caught up. Enjoy.

10-Yard Fight – 1/0

Not sure what to say about this. Seems like a very bad football game with no redeeming qualities. I feel sorry for anyone that had this.

Action in New York – 1/1

This game seems to draw inspiration from the Contra series. The look of the character, the gun action and sound effects all scream Contra to me. Obviously the gameplay itself is very different. It’s a side scrolling shooter along the lines of Gradius rather than a run and gun. I had a great time.

Aladdin – 0/1

I looked it up. Indeed this is a port of the Genesis version of the game (which is very excellent) however anytime you take a game from a higher system and try to play it on a lower system it’s not going to be good. The gameplay is clunky and terrible and so is the color. It looks like a gameboy game!

Asterix – 1/1

I am vaguely familiar with this series, I think there are more of these games on SNES. Plays like a great platformer. In my short 5 min gameplay I experienced a nice variety of platforming challenges. Solid game for platforming fans.

Back to the Future – 1/1

Clearly the game has pretty much nothing to do with the movie. Why are you collecting clocks? Why do you throw bowling balls? I guess the skateboard is somewhat relevant. Anyway, that game plays like a top down shooter but you are on foot. Reminds me of Dino Riki. There isn’t anything wrong with it.

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I was feeling very sick; too sick to sleep. No friend available, so I had to set out on my own and unfortunately ran into these five games. To be fair they aren’t the worst, god knows none of these are as bad as The Adventure of Tom Sawyer, but they are bad. We also run into our first “B” game. I hope you look forward to many B games to come.

Astyanax – 0/1

I guess this is based on a much better looking 2-player arcade game which might have been pretty good. Unfortunately this port doesn’t do the arcade version justice. The character is huge, and the clumsy controls make it almost impossible not to eat damage. Don’t get me started on the pits… The graphics are pretty awesome though, I enjoy the fleshed out backgrounds. Also the “power” mechanic in the attack is pretty innovative.

Athena – 0/1

Not much too say… It is a terrible platformer with very bad controls. When you get attacked by multiple enemies, I can’t help but imagine them brutally raping the young girl. It is hard to shake.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes – 0/1

Is this some kind of cartoon or comic book? Why are the tomatoes attacking? The controls are very bad and the gameplay is boring. The game is bad.

Aussie Rules Footy – 0/1

I hate sports games, I don’t know how to play rugby. I am only assuming “Aussie Rules Footy” is actually rugby. On the other hand, the graphics are impressive.

Baby Boomer – 0/1

The concept is original. You need to defend a baby from enemies and interact with the environment to make sure the baby has a path to crawl on. Bonus point for letting you cooperate with a friend. Unfortunately they forgot to make it fun.

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Anticipation – 1/1

Anticipation is hilarious and fun. Things are drawn on the screen, and you need to buzz in and guess what they are before anyone else does. Why is it funny? Well, not only because Video Cassette was one of the images, but also because it was in the “science” category. I checked if this is a 4-player compatible game … very unfortunately, it is not.

Arch Rivals Basketbrawl – 0/1

Pretty funny visuals, but the game sucks. Like most sports games though, we can’t be sure if it really sucks, or if I just hate sports games.

Archon – 1/1

Archon is an old computer game, and when I say old I mean 1983. It was ported to nearly every platform in it’s day and it is a popular strategy board game. Imagine chess, but when a piece attempts to take another piece they actually enter an combat arena and players control the action. Winner stays on the spot. Part strategy, part skill.

Arkanoid – 0/1

I guess this game needed some kind of stupid controller to be playable. I find that very VERY stupid since the only controls needed are “left” and “right.” If this game cost even a dime more than any standard NES game because of the perceived “value” of getting some esoteric peripheral then I hoped it bombed badly.

Arkista’s Ring – 1/1

Plays like Zelda but with very clearly defined level progression. The first couple of levels were a boring affair, but I can certainly see the potential. The control was nice, the sound was fine. The game is adequate.

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This is Yury’s last session for the night. Let’s all thank him for coming over and playing 3+ hours of mostly terrible video games with me! At least we finish on a high note.

Alien Syndrome – 1/1

I can’t believe I had never heard about this game! Not only in my childhood but even after that when I started emulating and actively looking for 2-player co-op games. It plays like Smash TV and feels like a great game.

All-Pro Basketball – 0/1

Ahhh sports games. I will eat my tie once we finally get a good one. This game actually does have some cool slam dunk animations which add a fun variety. However the strange cut to switch which side of the court you are playing on is very awkward.

Alpha Mission – 0/1

The gameplay is almost as forgettable as the title. This is just a top-down shooter with bad sound effects and bad music. It is not fun to play.

Amagon – 0/1

What is going on in this game? It is a side-scrolling platformer with an Incredible Hulk vibe … You turn into a big body builder when you get enough points or something, problem is: it’s much better to NOT be the hulk and use the gun.

American Gladiators – 1/1

This is one of my all-time favorite Nintendo games! It tests you on many required gaming skills like: timing, movement, aim, fast alternating button presses. All of that through a variety of mini-games with great music, and fierce 2-player competition!? Top notch. I still go back to this winner regularly.