A four-day weekend
I’ve forgotten how to work
time to remember
forced to remember
how I hate being outside
—my new best buddy
I had no idea how many people I never recognized! What an all-star cast. Trinity is in this game?
I think I really did a good job on Deviantart. I never actually stopped trolling. It just started getting very difficult to find terrible shit. I guess the “regulars” that posted it decided to stop after I started making them realize they are bad artists. I can only hope that is the case. Regardless, after months of tireless searching, I finally have enough content for another solid troll.
pack of strawberries
increase cereal value
for the next ten bowls
my laptop hard drive
couldn’t take it anymore—
no suicide note
pack of blueberries
strawberries overshadow—
victims of neglect
DOS
terrible graphics
nostalgia-colored glasses
better than Xbox
What are you willing to buy from Panera Bread for $16.99? There are three answers: two full entrees, 18 bagels, or nothing. Notice what isn’t on that list? A $16.99 lobster salad sandwich.
I was in Panera a while ago and noticed a poster with a sandwich with the intimidating $17 price tag. Immediately I assumed it was some kind of large family style sandwich or something, but then upon further inspection I realized it wasn’t. I jumped back from the menu so hard I nearly pulled a mussel.
Are they serious? Everything on the menu (outside of 18 bagels) is $8.99. How can a reasonable person be expected to pay $18.45 (tax included) on a single sandwich? Not only would that take an exceptional level of trust on the consumer’s side, but also, a lunch budget more than twice the average ticket price. I am getting salty just thinking about it.
“Why is it so much?!” I asked
The young lady insulted my intelligence by saying, in a passive aggressive tone “Lobster is expensive.” leading me to believe she has been asked this question before, good. I am happy as a clam to hear that others, like me, are also shellshocked by the price. Of course I know lobster is expensive, it’s an “exotic” ingredient you can only get from the east coast. I can understand it costing more. I have watched the Deadliest Catch (and that’s JUST crab.) “Costing more” however, by Panera standards, should mean $10.99, at $17 I expect truffle oil infused mayo and gold flakes as garnish. I dug a little harder, trying to figure out exactly why it is SO MUCH other than just (mis)-targeting rich people. She touted the freshness of the lobster involved.
A Matter of Freshness?
Fresh huh? Just how fresh exactly? Do you have a lobster aquarium installed in the back of this store, and every Panera store, just for this summer special? Are there 30 fresh Maine lobsters chilling in there just waiting for me to order them? Is there a trained chef in the back ready to (humanely) execute, shell, clean and prepare the lobster for me? I highly doubt it. More than likely they just order frozen lobster meat just like the rest of us. You know Red Lobster has an actual lobster aquarium and can legitimately get away with calling it “fresh” and even they charge only $13.99 for a lobster entree.
It’s like going to McDonalds and seeing a new Kobe Beef Burger for $16.99. I don’t know anyone who has those kinds of balls. I can go to a classy sushi place and get an entree for less than 17$ and that has been prepared by a sushi chef who is probably getting paid 80k, and it is made with more exotic ingredients than lobster. I can go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of Grey Goose and drink-to-forget this absurd summer special.
Two Separate Problems
A. To claim that lobster is “expensive,” and that is why they are charging so much, is a total crock of shit. If they aren’t flat out lying about the lobster being fresh, then maybe I can understand, but I highly doubt that claim as well. This is a common marketing gimmick. You charge more for “Gyro Meat” and “Guacamole” even though they hardly cost more than chicken and cheddar cheese. The issue is it’s 100% more expensive, not a little bit more expensive.< B. Totally out of character for the store. Panera deals in pre-made soups and cold cuts. Now I am going to trust them in preparing a lobster? They have never even dealt with seafood before other than clam-chowder (too salty). They expect me to take a total risk on a dish they have no experience preparing and pay them more than double the average ticket price for it? Get out of town!
Update as of 06-05-2011
I interviewed a Panera employee who confirmed many of my suspicions. He confirmed that they do not have real lobster, it comes in frozen just like the rest of the meat. The second confirmation is there is NOT a pound of lobster meat in the sandwich. Rather, 8oz in the full size, and 4oz in the half size (a pound is 16oz). Just as I thought. The “freshness” is a lie, and any argument about a pound of lobster is also untrue. Although Panera never made a claim that there is a pound of meat, people just assumed that for some reason.
My father called me the other day and told me to make sure to go to Home Depot and get some dandelion killer because if I let the dandelions get out of hand they will take my whole yard over and then there is nothing I can do. I don’t get it. Why do you need to murder all the dandelions? They are cute little yellow flowers that don’t bother anyone. Not only that, but they turn into (arguably) the funnest flower in the whole world. The puffy cotton version that kids love to play with. Kinda like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, except more like a butterfly turning into an ever cooler butterfly. Like nature’s fireworks.
Weeds
I think a fresh green yard looks good punctuated by little yellow bundles of summer. Green and yellow, like lemon-lime, a refreshing drink for your eyes on a hot summer day. I remember when I was a small child in the Ukraine my mom would braid these into halos or tiaras and I loved them. You can pick adorable little bouquets of dandelions and give them to your loved ones. It’s a shame your loved one would probably get insulted that you would dare give him or her a bouquet of weeds. WEEDS!
Dandelions got branded as weeds. Why!? They are clearly flowers. Really bright and inviting flowers at that. Not prickly like those asshole roses. They are cheap and accessible. They even smell nice. You know what I think? I think there is a conspiracy against dandelions.
The Secret Florist Society
Think about this: Dandelions are flowers that grow all over the place and anyone can just go out and pick them. Guess who doesn’t like the sound of that? Florists, that’s who. They don’t want you picking your own flowers out of your front yard, they want you spending $35 per bouquet of “rare” and “exotic” flowers. They had to nix the dandelions. They had to give them a bad rap. But this isn’t politics. The florists couldn’t just launch a mudslinging campaign to character assassinate the dandelions. Florists can’t go around accusing flowers of being weeds it’s too obvious. So what then?
The florist fatcats and their companies set up a lawn maintenance division (on the down low) and made dandelion poison and started marketing it as weed removal. How genius! They convinced all of America that the harmless yellow flowers in your yard are actually like a tumor choking your healthy grass. Now you need to rush to the store to by Preen so the “Dandelions don’t take over” while the florists laugh all the way to the bank. Meanwhile, you suckers spend big bucks buying flowers that are covered in thorns. Tell me I am crazy.
The Truth About Dandelions
So why exactly do we need to STOP THE DANDELIONS so badly? They help your lawn, help attract pollinating bugs, they have medicinal properties, and you can even eat them. Sounds like we should be doing the opposite of spraying weed killer on them. Sounds like they are the truffles of the flower world.
The Genocide Regime
The “about us page” of www.preen.com. Observe how preen claims they have been murdering dandelions since 1947. What an interesting year… Do you know what happened in 1947? The BABY BOOM that’s what! The returning WWII vets were having tons of wild sex all over the United States. How do you “seal the deal” for some wild sex? No it’s not Rohypnol; These are old fashioned people, they send flowers.
What else? A bunch of unused toxic chemicals from the war are up for grabs, and they are cheap! How timely for a “lawn maintenance” company to start up. What an ideal time to demonize dandelions and gouge the public with “exotic” flower prices! After all, no one is getting laid giving a girl a bouquet of weeds right?
Go spend money on roses son, and while you are at it, buy some preen and clean up that weed infestation on your lawn.
And the fat cats get richer … You know what else is interesting?
Think about it.
virtual landfills
submit links and articles
where no human treads
submit articles
infinity orifice
feed the index bots
a research paper
just to earn a single link—
water from a stone
Mindless Masses
Two sides to the final battle
both are equally right;
but it’s not the people
Those easily convinced
their persuasion binds.
Collecting undecided
and curious minds.
From either side of the fence
the other is misunderstood.
The intention of both leaders
is truly for the good.
Their hatred for each other
an illusion taught in classes.
The only thing they truly hate
are the mindless masses.
pain of gassing up—
solace for ninety-nine cents
gas station coffee
bags under my eyes
nobody seems to notice—
but I notice theirs
Baraka
a Tarkatan grunt
mostly unremarkable—
peculiar name
Push My Buttons
