The Reason John Carter Bombed

In case anyone is curious why the Disney movie John Carter is bombing catastrophically in the box office despite a 100 million dollar marketing budget, I think I know why. It isn’t because the acting is bad. Not because the casting is bad. Not even because the plotline is bad. I haven’t even SEEN the movie and I can tell you exactly why it didn’t do “as well as expected.” Look how awful these movies sound. Can you figure out what I changed to ensure these films auto-bomb!? Click on the images for the unmodified versions.

A spaceship arrives in Arizona, 1873, to take over the Earth, starting with the Wild West region. A posse of cowboys and natives are all that stand in their way.

Cowboys and Aliens Poster

In a Fascist future where all forms of feeling are illegal, a man in charge of enforcing the law rises to overthrow the system.

Equilebrium Poster

The aliens are coming and their goal is to invade and destroy. Fighting superior technology, Man’s best weapon is the will to survive.

Independance Day Poster

A computer hacker learns from mysterious rebels about the true nature of his reality and his role in the war against its controllers.

Matrix Poster

In a future where a special police unit is able to arrest murderers before they commit their crimes, an officer from that unit is himself accused of a future murder.

Minority Report Poster

In a dystopic and crime ridden Detroit, a terminally wounded cop returns to the force as a powerful cyborg with submerged memories haunting him.

Robocop Poster

A human-looking, apparently unstoppable cyborg is sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor; Kyle Reese is sent to stop it.

Terminator Poster

An astronaut has a quintessentially personal encounter toward the end of his three-year stint on the Moon, where he, working alongside his computer, GERTY, sends back to Earth parcels of a resource that has helped diminish our planet’s power problems.

Moon Poster

When a man goes for virtual vacation memories of the planet Mars, an unexpected and harrowing series of events forces him to go to the planet for real, or does he?

Total Recall Poster

A hacker is literally abducted into the world of a computer and forced to participate in gladiatorial games where his only chance of escape is with the help of a heroic security program.

Tron Poster

Transplanted to Mars, a Civil War vet discovers a lush planet inhabited by 12-foot tall barbarians. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter a princess who is in desperate need of a savior.

John Carter Poster

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