Dungeon Master to is a fantastic old game that I am very fond of. One of the most enjoyable and memorable aspects of this game was figuring out the magic system on my own. Unfortunately the gaming world and the mentality of gamers (even my own) has changed since those days. What would have been a fun mystery to discover when DM2 was first released would now be considered bad usability. This is a real shame because the feeling of learning something on your own made you feel like you are outsmarting the game. A feeling rarely replicated in a world where everything needs to be spelled out.

In order to increase this excellent game’s appeal among new gamers I have done all of the leg work and created a Dungeon Master 2 spell list, or quick reference guide. So recruits your company of wizards and enjoy immense power right from the start of the game! Want to shoot fireballs but can’t be bothered to figure out how? Don’t even worry about it just check out my guide! If you want to try out this amazing and FREE game please consult my retro gaming guide.

dungeon master 2 spells reference guide book

The Waterchip is a comic book I worked on during my college days. I always wished this was how RPG walkthroughs were made and I thought I would pioneer the effort. Unfortunately I kinda fell out of it after a while and now… well now I can’t even run Fallout on my computer let alone dig up these old save files. Maybe if I ever get Fallout to function again I could consider finishing this. But for the time being I am afraid it is permanently …

to be continued…

Download: Waterchip.cbz

Well you morons finally put me over the edge. I have tried being reasonable but that didn’t work. All I have left is to tell you how stupid you are. I am forced to bash you over your thick fucking skull with insults just to make myself feel better. At this point I am not even trying to be helpful because you are beyond help. You guys actually find it more reasonable that after three entire 40+ hour epics, BioWare’s writers starting making mistakes like forgetting to give your gun ammo, teleporting teammates around? That is easier for you to accept than a dream theory? I can’t even beleive what I am hearing.

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A large amount of players seem to hate the Mass Effect 3 ending. I have been fighting many long and hard battle on the bioware forums about it. Doing my best to fight the good fight but but it’s alot like playing whack-a-mole. I noticed multiple ending detractors refering to this article: Mass Effect 3 Ending Hatred 5 Reasons Fans are Right as proof that the ending is indeed bad. I would like to take this article on, and prove to you that the ending is actually not bad. Most of my philosphy is based on a “Indoctrination Theory” which I believe solves all issue and is the intended interpretation of the ending.

Basically the theory says everything that took place after Shepard was hit by the Reaper laser on his way to the conduit is inside Shepard’s head. It is a dream, but more than just a dream. It is the manifestation of his battle against indoctrination. Everything that takes place during the final scenes is Shepard’s way of dealing with and either overcoming or succumbing to indoctrination.

Indoctrination Theory Proofs

1. This is the only game in the series that has dream sequences. Playable dream sequences introduced early in the game force you to question what is and is not a dream because not all playable sections in Mass Effect 3 are reality. It opens the door for a dreamlike ending; especially events that take place after Shepard is seemingly knocked unconscious.

2. If you choose the destroy ending (the correct choice), Shepard is shown waking up or taking a breath while lying on concrete rubble. Obviously it’s totally absurd to think Shepard fell to Earth from the exploding space station and survived. This scene shows Shepard waking in London after being hit by the laser because he knows he has unfinished business.

3. The end sequence plays like the dream sequence. It is slow motion, wobbly, and the sound is distorted and distant. It is reasonable to assume this is because Shepard is super jacked on adrenaline, but the pretense of the previous dream sequences in the game set a precedent for this. Furthermore, each time Shepard dreams, he sees the child. The child appears here again. Possible to say the catalyst read Shepard’s thoughts to show the child, but once again, a precedent has been set.

4. During the dream sequence you have no HUD display, and your pistol doesn’t have ammo. These clues visually and mechanically remove you from reality. The developers/writers didn’t FORGET to give the gun ammo at the end, they are trying to tell you something.

5. When Shepard beams up to the Citadel he ends up exactly where he needs to be, about 200 feet from the crucible console. Anderson is already there, as is the Illusive Man, both of whom never made it to the beam and were never seen. It is possible to come up with some strange explanations on how they both got there, but it simply makes more sense that they are in Shepard’s subconscious. Shepard has an inkling that maybe the Illusive Man’s plan is right. After all, the Illusive Man was always right in ME2. So he appears in Shepard’s head like a devil on a shoulder.

6. Joker, the Normandy and squad mates that were with you on Earth are shown flying away from the battle and landing on some tropical planet. This doesn’t make sense in the context of the story, and is not a writing mistake. This isn’t a piece of the script that EVERYONE seemed to gloss over. The fact that the Normandy and the crew are no longer in the SOL system is yet another hint that this isn’t reality.

7. Never in the game are options so blatantly color-coded. The option is clearly “renegade red” while control is “paragon blue.” It is as if the game is trying to convince THE PLAYER that control is the “best outcome.” Because this is the first time anything by dialog choices have been color-coded, it is yet another hint that something is off.

8. Shepard imagines Anderson performing the Destroy ending and Illusive Man performing the Control ending. This is the first time Shepard is shown to use his imagination. Why didn’t Shepard imagine himself performing both endings? Also Anderson has always been a zealous paragon and is shown performing the color-coded “red” ending while Illusive man, a devout renegade is shown performing the “blue” ending. This might be Shepard asking himself “what would Anderson do and what would TIM do.” I think the Reaper influence is painting the solutions mixed colors to trick Shepard, and the proper Para/Gade characters are Shepard’s subconscious showing the real morality of the choices.

I hope understanding the ending in this context helps you come to terms with it. If it does not, then you are a dolt because this is the most refreshing ending I have experienced in a very long time. Finally someone had some balls and actually make an ending you need to think about. Not only that, but they actually broke the 4th wall and attempted to indoctrinate the player. Notice this tweet by Priestly, he seems to encourage players to extrapolate. I will take that as another hint.

Now that we are on the same page about the ending, assuming you are also familiar with the article in question, let me address each complaint.

5 Reasons Fans Are Right: Rebuttal

“5) Brevity

It’s not just that players are forced to choose from one of three nearly identical endings. It’s not even that they are presented with each choice regardless of what kind of game they played, so long as their EMS rating was sufficiently high. It’s that the player is never given any sense of how the choice they ultimately made affected the galaxy they worked so hard to save.”

The title of this reason is brevity but the actual explanation is something else. This is the often seen “your choices don’t matter” argument. This complaint doesn’t resonate with me because your choices in regard to the ending are no less important in ME3 then they were in ME1 or ME2.

In Mass Effect, no matter what choices you made the game still ended with the citadel under attack, Saren dead and Sovereign defeated. You make two choices at the end, save or sacrifice the council and who to leave in charge Anderson or Udina. Your previous actions have nothing to do with either of these two, and these two have almost no relevance in ME2. The ending animation plays out almost exactly the same with a slighting different space battle which has the council lives/dies.

Mass Effect 2 is different because your choices greatly affect the ending but it is actually not that relevant because simply playing the game thoroughly all but ensures that you get a particular ending. If you beat all the loyalty missions then you will probably have a 90% survival rate (probably just losing Mordin). The only choice you make is to keep or destroy the collector base which once again isn’t at all effect by any previous choices.

In actuality Mass Effect 3 offers you more choices than the previous two games. You get three entirely different choices. Although the cut-scene that plays is nearly identical, conceptually each option is very different. I had to think long and hard about what I thought the right choice would be, I felt like a true decision maker. I am not as troubled as everyone else that all the endings look the same at the end. That realization would only affect me on my 2nd play through. On my original experience (the one BioWare caters to the most) I felt awesome about my choice and I was happy with my cut-scene.

After you stop the reapers you need to use your imagination. To me that is very easy and I don’t understand why people demand to have their hand held by a montage of the entire galaxy. I suppose I wouldn’t have hated some stills of all my friends celebrating as the credits rolled but don’t need to see it to understand it.

4) It is Confusing and Under-Developed

Anderson, despite having come up the Conduit behind Shepard, beats him to the secret Citadel control panel room.But the majority of the ending is an exercise in increasing incomprehensibility, beginning with the abrupt appearance of The Illusive Man.

It turns out to be a ridiculous AI whose visual representation is the young boy haunting Shepard’s nightmares throughout the game. It is never explained why this is the form he chooses; we don’t even get the courtesy of the “I chose a form you were comfortable with” cliche.”

These continuity issues are solved by indoctrination theory. People appearing in places without explanation is a classic dream element. The boy has been in Shepard’s all game and is something I would consider a dream sign. We know for a fact the boy is either not real or dead. We know that each time Shepard dreams he sees the boy. Why would this time be different?

“The AI then claims that he created the Reapers billions of years ago as a means of solving the problem of synthetic life forms killing their organic creators. The Reaper’s whole purpose is to save Organics by killing them, and turning them into synthetics. So that Organics won’t make synthetics who will then kill organics.”

I have seen this pointed out many times as if it is something profound. First and formost, irony isn’t a plot hole. It is perfectly fine for a race of synthetics to feel like they need to keep organics from developing AI. The reapers do not kill organics, they ascend them. They also do not destroy all organic life; they only take the most advanced races and leave the rest to develop. They fear that if organics go unchecked they will create an AI that will grow more powerful and destroy all life. The Reapers goal is NOT to destroy all life.

Also it is perfectly reasonable that the Reapers are wrong. You don’t need to agree with them to accept what they are saying as fact. The same way you don’t need to listen to the Illusive Man or Saren; you can disagree with the Reapers. You can display your disagreement by choosing the “Destroy” ending breaking the cycle.

“3) Lore Errors, Plot Holes

No matter which of ME3′s endings you choose, the Mass Relays are all destroyed. Yes, despite the weakness of an ending that robs the galaxy of critical technology, the multicolored explosions (player choice!) are certainly pretty. But in The Arrival, it was firmly established that the destruction of a Mass Relay would result in an explosion resembling a supernova, destroying the relay’s star system. In Mass Effect 3′s ending, the Mass Relays are destroyed in explosions so massive that they’re depicted as being visible from a perspective that resembles the Normandy’s Galaxy Map.”

This isn’t relevant. There could be many reasons why they went nova in “Arrival” or why they aren’t going nova this time. We have no idea how they work. The crucible pulse is a totally different event than hitting the relay with a giant rock. This isn’t a plot hole or a lore error.

“Unfortunately, the burned husk of Earth certainly can’t support the combined military forces of the galaxy. And remember folks, Turians and Quarians can’t eat human food anyway. The assumption then has to be that everyone scrambles to find a colony to support them, and/or they all die. In all likelihood — faced with starvation, the krogan slowly eat everybody.”

Maybe this is 100% true. Maybe everyone stuck in the Sol system is going to have a really hard time? … So?

Who said life would be easy after a galactic war? Would you prefer death? This was a very dark plot and many BILLIONS of individuals from all races died. Every race knew the risks and they pretty much expected to die defending all life. Being stranded in a non-ideal situation is actually not that bad of an outcome considering. With the new-found peace all the survivors can band together and begin the rebuilding process.

“This is probably the biggest WTF of all. As the Mass Relays explode, we see a short clip of Joker furiously scrambling in the Normandy Cockpit, followed by the Normandy barely staying ahead of the chain of explosions. Eventually, the Normandy crash-lands on a convenient, Earth-like jungle planet. Joker survives, and as he staggers out of the ship to see the new, presumably permanent home, he’s joined by members of Shepard’s crew. In almost every ending, these crew members include Shepard’s love interest and at least one person who joined Shep in his/her final push.”

This is another issue that is explained if you look at it as part of Shepard’s dream. That didn’t actually happen; Shepard is just imagining his closest friends barely surviving the ordeal and ending up on a lush relatively safe planet.

“2) Key Philosophical Themes Are Discarded

*Tolerance and Unity

But where tolerance has always been an option in the games before, and has always been achievable before, it is discarded wholly in the end. There is no tolerance permitted among the Reapers or by the Guardian. And in fact, the synthesis ending dismantles the idea of tolerance and unity altogether by forcing homogenization on all the life in the galaxy, synthetic included. The control ending forces the Reapers to tolerate you, with the assumption that eventually, synthetics will ruin everything again through their lack of tolerance; the destruction ending, as the Guardian claims, will mean the eventual destruction by all synthetics.”

Once again the player is welcome to reject this assumption. If you think the Quarian Geth peace is enough to reject the assumption you are given the option. The option is called destroy. Break the cycle and take your chanced. Also for the record, when speaking in the scale of 50,000 year cycled. The peace between the Quarian and Geth which has lasted all of a few days after a 300 year war adds up to exactly nothing. Hardly “proof” that organic and synthetic life can and would coexist. Give the Geth another 40,000 years of expanding and evolving and then tell me what they would thing about the pathetic meat bags.

Regardless, you can disagree. This is just the Reaper’s opinion and belief.

“Mass Effect continually asks “Can’t we call just get along?” and as Shepard, players can work toward that end for three full games. Doesn’t matter how many alliances you broker or how much understanding you cultivate: it makes absolutely no difference.”

I cannot even wrap my mind around this. During the course of this game you work toward uniting the entire galaxy. Bitter rivalries like Krogan and Turian and Geth and Quarian are solved. Everyone comes together to fight side by side for a common cause. This is the absolute APEX of “all get along.” Unless you are seriously suggesting that we should get along with the Reapers also.

I really want to not believe that people actually want a big group hug ending in which Shepard somehow convinced the Reapers to “cut it out.” The Reapers have been doing this for … what, billions of years? You think some nobody named Shepard is going to convince them to stop it? He is going to think of something new to say? I am so happy this didn’t happen.

“*Free Will and what it means to be alive

The concept of free will is alluded to, sort of, in the final conversation with the AI, but it has no bearing on any of the (identical) outcomes. Instead, much like the victims of the Reapers themselves, the player is robbed of all free will or even the chance to make the case for it. They must do as they are told, and choose.

Another rehash of the “choices don’t matter’ argument. The endings are only visually similar but conceptually very different. Every single choice in Mass Effect plays out the same way. “They must do as they are told, and choose.” Well… yeah pretty much. But you DO get to choose right? Not sure how else this could be.

>1) Player Choice Is Completely Discarded

They are all functionally identical. Once players reach the Citadel, they are taken along a low-interaction pathway, engage in conversation with the Illusive Man that can only end with him dead if you wish to proceed further, and then have a conversation — with a very limited set of responses — with the AI child. This experience is the same regardless of your Shepard’s moral alignment, and regardless of the decisions you made to get to this point. The AI does not alter his dialogue if you kill the Geth, he doesn’t offer different justifications if you spared the Collector Base; he does nothing different.”

Your alignment dictates your choices, not the other way around. There has never been a “Renegade or Paragon” ending to a Mass Effect game. You are always presented choices and you can pick either one. It doesn’t matter how many paragon points you had when you get to choose to save or sacrifice the council in Mass Effect 1. If you choose to sacrifice them, then do your previous paragon choices not matter?

The goal was to gather a huge army to fight the Reapers. Every single choice you made helped you reach that goal. Shepard had no idea how the Crucible worked, all he could do was make his chance of success as high as possible by winning favor. Why does the AI care about the collector base, or the geth or the Krogan? Those things were a means to an end, the end is now and you need to make yet another choice.

“And then, you are given the same three choices, choices that you must accept even though none of them fit with anything Shepard would ever have done at any previous moment in the entire series.”

The entire game your job is to destroy the Reapers. So in the context of Shepard doing anything but “destroy” you are right. It doesn’t fit with his character. And you clearly made the wrong choice (because you somehow were convinced that destroy isn’t the right answer: indoctrination). If you choose destroy, then you are doing exactly, EXACTLY what Shepard has been trying to do the entire series.

“Whether the choices succeed or fail depends solely on your Effective Military Strength score, and nothing else. And once made, the only difference between them is a slightly different cutscene, and a different-colored explosion.”

Well I guess this is partly true. I mean your goal all game was to “fill the green bar” which is accomplished by “playing the game” and the more you play the game the more you fill your bar. It really is no different than experience points or just completing levels. Frankly I don’t see how this is a complaint. You need to play the game to have a higher chance of winning and this game mechanic is cleverly disguised by a very reasonable story of you convincing everyone to help you. So I guess the ending cut-scene is based “solely” on your score. But that score is based on all the collective choices and game-play you performed. So I guess you are rewarded for completing the game… and nothing else? This is a problem?

Casey Hudson, the executive producer of Mass Effect recently spoke up about the ending. Not sure if his comments do much very much to give players the closure they want, but it does confirm that the BioWare staff loves this game as much as the fans. To me, this says that it is very unlikely that the writers and developers made stupid mistakes wrapping up the game they have been working on for many years. I think his sentiment is a fitting way to conclude this blog post.

The war against the Reapers won’t win itself! You will need to gather every possible advantage but who has the time!? This Mass Effect 3 Galactic Procurement Guide will provide the locations of scannable: War Assets, Artifacts, Upgrades, and Intel.

Don’t wast time scanning planets that reap no rewards. Go directly where you need to be and gather what you need to destroy the Reapers. 8.5 x 11 inches and 300dpi this map is perfect for printing. Download now!

Mass Effect 3 galaxy map showing the locations of all scannable war assets, upgrades, intel and artifacts.

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Anyone can put together a list of the sexiest video game girls. It takes a true connoisseur to limit himself to only those of the 16-bit and under variety. Don’t tell me you never fantasized about any of these perfectly-crafted pixel pretties! I present to you my top ten sexiest girls from the retro gaming world. They are in no particular order except for Peach being last because she is, and has always been, my secret fantasy. Please enjoy! Warning: Lot’s of images!!!

Cammy

Cammy… where to begin. Cammy is one of those characters that was custom-built to be a sex icon. I mean look at what she is wearing. We are supposed to believe she is a military girl? Maybe the swimming pool military. Look at her victory pose! That actually happens in the game when she wins, she turns around and shows the player her perfectly toned delicious ass as a reward for the win. Imagine what she would do if you took her out to dinner.

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Cammy is from Street Figher, for the uninitiated. She appears first in “The New Challengers” joining the cast as the only girl next to Chun-Li. Why didn’t I choose Chun-Li you ask? Well two reasons, first Cammy is better dressed. By better I mean I can see more of her ass. Although Chun-Li does wear stockings, which I love, so maybe that is a toss up? The real reason is Chun-Li’s legs are just too muscular for me. They are a little intimidating actually. Cammy, despite being an expert hand to hand combatant still strikes me as a flirty girly girl.

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Not much imagination is needed to sexualize Cammy, “butt” one thing is for sure … If you are going to do Cammy, you better get the ass right.

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Sonya Blade

It’s weird to have Sonya on a 16-bit list because she is only barely a 16-bit character. Sonya is a motion capture of a real woman (an athletics instructor) so her body is actually real. Nevertheless Sonya is on the Genesis and SNES in 16-bit glory so she counts. The fact that she is actually a real women gives fantasizing about her a little more merit does it not? All of Sonya’s moves look so realistic, that delightful leg grab for example. Imagine having your head locked inside those powerful legs. A dream come true for some, including yours truly.

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Sonya was a late addition to Mortal Kombat. The game was almost completed without any female fighters at all but at the last second they decided to add one in. Good idea! Nerdy boys like girls duh! Obviously she was a huge hit, the “better half” of Mortal Kombat has grown with every evolution. Some may say Kitana or Jade are sexier Mortal Kombatants but they would be wrong. They don’t have her legs.

After MK1 Sonya is oddly missing from the MK2 … Or is she!? She can be seen shackled on the sidelines of Shao Khan’s arena. Shao Khan sure does know how to treat a lady, that rapist. Can’t say I blame him, if I was a badass like Shao Khan I would shackle love slaves all over my palace too.

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Sonya has it pretty rough. She lives a spartan life keeping murdering scum off the streets, no time for romance. This is exactly why I would like to take Sonya out on a date, treat her like a lady, open the door for her, give her an excuse to wear that sexy dress and those strappy shoes she bought that one hopeful night. The night she almost went on a date. The dress that now hangs in her closet as a reminder of the life she can’t have. I want to give her that life. If only for one night. Especially if she is played by Jeri Ryan.

Samus Aran

Samus is a woman.

That was quite the development back in the day. Imagine a snot-nosed kid (me) playing Metroid on the NES. Spending entire DAYS in this black cave, lost as fuck, exploring, backtracking, shooting random aliens with a hand cannon. You really get into Samus’ head when you are trapped alone in the dark with only him. He becomes you, and it is you wearing that power suit. Until you realize you are a woman and your subconscious is thrown out of the suit like a bullet out of a slingshot. You actually have less in common than you thought! But then you get to thinking. How much does it matter that she is a girl? You both went through the same adventure, risked your lives together, lived inside the same suit, tasted each other’s sweat … I mean …

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It was a hell of a revelation. M. Knight. Shamaylan eat your fucking heart out. That is how you do a twist. Actually it’s probably where that con artist got the idea for a twist in the first place.

Nintendo understood. The Metroid kids have been enjoying Samus wet dreams for over ten years, so they gave them what they wanted: the “Zero Suit.” Not really sure how or why it fits into the story all I know is it’s a blue, latex, skin-tight suit that shows off Samus’s perfect body from every angle. Trust me, I have checked.

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Mai Shiranui

Mai is from the SNK fighting game series’ King of Fighters and Fatal Fury. Although, I first discovered her in the much later game: Capcom vs SNK. Like her fighting game counterpart Cammy, Mai is a blatant sex symbol. Her 16-bit sprites actually have 2D boob jiggle. Possibly the first time this was done? I am not sure, but as soon as I found out I made sure to look up some videos.

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Mai is a ninja who uses fans as her weapons, along with some fire abilities. Her real special power however, is having the best body in video game history, and she isn’t afraid to show it. Wearing next to nothing has several advantages for a ninja. First, it allows for maximum mobility. Second, she will surely distract any male combatants who are not prepared for what they see. Let’s be serious, Mai is a sexy, asian, female ninja sexpot. She is a like an explosion of fetish stereotypes. All you girls better be taking notes.

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Lucca

Chrono Trigger is a treasure among Super Nintendo games. This RPG consistently makes top ten lists for best game, and so do its ladies. There are three female characters in Chrono’s party, Marle the blond princess (typical), Ayla the prehistoric cave woman and Lucca the nerdy inventor. When I played the game I always took Lucca and Frog as my teammates. Frog just because I think a frog wearing gentlemen’s garb donning a sword bigger than himself is fucking badass, and Lucca … My sweet Lucca.

The sexy nerdy girl is an often sought stereotype among fantasy characters. Lucca covers all the bases. She is skinny, funny, nice, smart and most of all totally clueless about how SMOKING HOT she is. She has probably never been handled by the deft hands of a “skilled man” like myself. Lucca deserves to be treated like a beautiful women.

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altIf I was Chrono, the choice would be clear. Marle is already a pampered princess, probably totally high maintenance. Lucca on the other hand is prime for the picking. On one of the cold nights in the desolate future in dome 16 I would make my move. After she is snuggled up holding her covers tightly, wishing a warm body could be next to hers, to comfort her, not only from the cold, but also the uncertain future. I would slowly remove the glasses from her pretty face and we would both wonder who’s dream this is.

Dixie Kong

I realize I am walking a fine line here, a fine line between an innocent fantasy and pedophiliac bestiality, but I think Dixie Kong is kinda sexy. if imagining this sexy blond chimp eating a banana is wrong, I don’t want to be right. It seems I might be the only one due to the lack of both fan art, and cosplay of everyone’s favorite chimpette. But why? Is it because she is a monkey? Give me a break! She can talk, she wears make up and clothing. She is more human than many humans I know. Is it because she is only 14 years old? Well she was 14 years old when she was in DKC2 but that was like a 20 years ago, she isn’t jailbait anymore.

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Tyris Flare

Raise your hand if you remember Golden Axe? I can’t tell if nobody knows about this game, or my circle of friends has simply not be exposed to it enough. I have no idea how popular it is at all. Is this an esoteric choice? You have probably noticed most of my characters are coming from Super Nintendo. Well, here is my Sega entry.

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Golden Axe is a beat-em-up game similar to Final Fight, or Battle Toads set in the bronze age. You can control one of three characters, the male barbarian, the female barbarian or the dwarves barbarian. Tyris Flare is the female, and she is a beast. Not only is she wielding a massive sword, kicking ass and taking names, but she looks damn good doing it. She is wearing the classic barbarian bikini, which provides her no protection whatsoever from enemy attacks, but sometimes you need to make sacrifices for fashion. Next time I hear a girl complain about how uncomfortable high heels are am going to reference Tyris getting hit by a fucking axe in the middle of some icy prehistoric mountain range wearing nothing but red boots and white panties and tell her to shut the fuck up.

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Zelda

The Legend of Zelda is one of Nintendo’s mega brands. There have been one or more Zelda games on every Nintendo Console from the NES all the way to the current Wii U. This allowed the Princess Zelda plenty of time and opportunity to transform from being a helpless damsel to a playable character. She even joins the Smash Brothers Melee and Brawl cast to throw down. Nintendo even gave her the blue jumpsuit makeover, which catapulted Zelda, or should I say “Shiek” her ninja alter-ego into the realm of super sexy.

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I never got into the Zelda games. I played the original on NES, but never played any others so Princess Zelda isn’t that close to my heart. However I do have a soft spot for princesses in general so she still makes my list of hottest 16-bit vixens. Well, her being a princess and being best friends with Peach of course.

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There is an interesting thing about Zelda. Looking for provocative images of the other ladies on this list has been easy (with the exception of Dixie Kong) but the collective internet seems to have a strange respect for Zelda. She rarely appears in vulgar fan renderings. All of the other girls have hardcore sex images, hermaphrodite concepts, the whole scattered list of fetishes including bondage, feet, tickling, latex, watersport, chubby, skinny, pregnant, handicapped … but not Zelda, she is squeaky clean! Not sure why that is. How different is she than Peach really? Perhaps even MORE interestingly, there are tons of images of Zelda, Samus and Peach getting frisky together. I guess those other two are a bad influence on Zelda. Those three probably do their fair share of experimenting don’t you think? Wouldn’t you love to hide under the bed of that slumber party? I know I would.

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Peach

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Peach, we all know her. She is the original damsel in distress. Even before Bowser was kidnapping Peach, she was being kidnapped by Donkey Kong. I know it’s just a simple story trope, but really… why did these monsters kidnap Peach? Holding her for ransom? Mario can’t’ afford to pay anything, he is a plumber. Bowser is already king of an entire kingdom, does he really need money? Donkey Kong? He is an ape! He needs bananas so badly that he will kidnap a princess? Why not break into the banana factory? No that is only what they want you to think. The are 100% sick degenerate rapists. They want to kidnap my delicate flower, tie her up, and have their sadistic ways with her. THAT is why I play Mario games. It isn’t just a game, it is a personal quest.

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Most of us remember princess peach first from Mario 2. Of course she was in the original Super Mario Brothers but mostly people couldn’t name her back then, at least not beyond “the princess.” In Mario 2 she was a playable character and a noteworthy one at that due to her ability to float for an extended period of time. Beyond that she has been a staple in Nintendo games either being kidnapped by Bowser or as a playable character in Nintendo’s various party and sports games. Nintendo is doing a good job playing in to the fan service lately. Check out the body on Peach in some of those sports games. Brings a smile to my face every time. It’s interesting how she didn’t have blond hair in her first appearances, but later simply had blond hair. Was this just a continuity mistake? Or was the color yellow hard to work with in NES games? Clearly now, she is blond, and seemingly was always thought of as blond despite her hair being red or brown. Doesn’t matter, I love Peach no matter what color her hair is. Peach has always been my kind of girl: prissy, delicate, feminine and needs to be rescued. A real girly girl.

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Ever wonder what kind of underwear Peach wears? Don’t tell me you never did. Pretty girl in a pink dress, its perfectly natural to want to see what is underneath. Look at her putting those stockings on, putting them on just for me. I would love nothing more than to peel those stockings off with my teeth, to feel the smoothness her skin, and inhale her breaths.

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Is there someone I missed? I haven’t played every 16-bit game so I am sure there are plenty of beautiful gems that I have never even heard of. Please share your thoughts.