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Here is a breakdown on why I didn’t like this movie:

  • Blake Lively’s character is very important but falls short in performance. She plays the same character she plays in Gossip Girl and that character already sucks.
  • The love triangle between Blake and two studs has potential to create an interesting and emotional climax, but they straight-up forget to resolve it. Unless you think a totally luke-warm explination is a resolution. The audience deserves better.
  • The movie contains inexplicably graphic and brutal torture and execution scenes which don’t belong in it.
  • There is an annoying narrative holding the audience’s hand through the movie while being intentionally misleading.
  • The ending is absolute trash.
Blood Sport 4 Cover

Blood Sport 4 Cover

Easily one of the worst movies I have ever seen and not in a good way. I am not sure how movies this horrible can even be made. Don’t they cost actual money? Don’t let the name Blood Sport confuse you, Van Damme hasn’t been in Blood Sport since the first. Daniel Bernheardt took over as the hero of 2, 3 and 4.

This is where it gets funny. Daniel plays Alex Cardo in Blood Sport 2 and 3, a reformed thief with a family who participates in the Kumite to find spiritual balance. In Blood Sport 4 he plays a totally different character: John Keller a hero cop with an addiction to underground fighting rings. For the first 45 min of the movie I couldn’t even figure out why everyone was calling Alex Cardo John and what happened to his family. I was trying to figure out if this is Alex Cardo’s twin brother, or if Alex Cardo is undercover… Seriously how do you keep the same actor, in the same series but change his character? This has to be some kind of fundamental rule of film casting.

Anyway I only want to talk about a single plot element. John is a decorated cop who put some thug named Shreck away. Shreck faced the death penalty but he some how escaped and killed again. John caught him again and he went back to prison. Turns out some higher-up pardoned him or payed his way out of the death penalty or something? Whatever, typical so far. John is enraged by this so he breaks into jail, breaks into Shreck’s room, puts a gun to his head ready to kill when two police officers round the corner and confront John. He shoots and kills them both without a second thought right as his parter rounds the corner. He chooses not to shoot his partner or Shreck, instead it flashes to a trial where he is convicted and sent away. I seriously thought this was a dream sequence. I fully expected John to wake up all sweaty in bed. It wasn’t it actually happened, and it turns out it was all part of the plan! Both his partner and his superior are in on it! He wanted to get convicted to end up in prison with Shreck to expose… something. It is really too bad the two cops he shot and killed were not “in on it” but sometimes you need to make it believable right?

Dragon Eyes Movie Poster

Dragon Eyes Movie Poster

We all know I have a soft spot in my heart for all things Jean Claude Van Damme, I actively seek out all of his movies and consume them. This movie tricked me; JCVD is hardly in it! He isn’t the main character, instead he is just a side character. A teacher to the main character “Hong” played by Cung Le (never heard of him). I feel a little cheated, his face being so prominently displayed on the box art.

This is pretty much just an action movie with no valuable lessons to teach. The action scenes are stylish and cool, I loved each one. The problem is the plot: it doesn’t make any sense. There are memories and flashbacks mixed into the movie making it very disorienting to watch. It took me until about half way through the movie before I finally realized which scenes are current and which are flashbacks. Finally the story started coming together.

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In case anyone is curious why the Disney movie John Carter is bombing catastrophically in the box office despite a 100 million dollar marketing budget, I think I know why. It isn’t because the acting is bad. Not because the casting is bad. Not even because the plotline is bad. I haven’t even SEEN the movie and I can tell you exactly why it didn’t do “as well as expected.” Look how awful these movies sound. Can you figure out what I changed to ensure these films auto-bomb!? Click on the images for the unmodified versions.

A spaceship arrives in Arizona, 1873, to take over the Earth, starting with the Wild West region. A posse of cowboys and natives are all that stand in their way.

Cowboys and Aliens Poster

In a Fascist future where all forms of feeling are illegal, a man in charge of enforcing the law rises to overthrow the system.

Equilebrium Poster

The aliens are coming and their goal is to invade and destroy. Fighting superior technology, Man’s best weapon is the will to survive.

Independance Day Poster

A computer hacker learns from mysterious rebels about the true nature of his reality and his role in the war against its controllers.

Matrix Poster

In a future where a special police unit is able to arrest murderers before they commit their crimes, an officer from that unit is himself accused of a future murder.

Minority Report Poster

In a dystopic and crime ridden Detroit, a terminally wounded cop returns to the force as a powerful cyborg with submerged memories haunting him.

Robocop Poster

A human-looking, apparently unstoppable cyborg is sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor; Kyle Reese is sent to stop it.

Terminator Poster

An astronaut has a quintessentially personal encounter toward the end of his three-year stint on the Moon, where he, working alongside his computer, GERTY, sends back to Earth parcels of a resource that has helped diminish our planet’s power problems.

Moon Poster

When a man goes for virtual vacation memories of the planet Mars, an unexpected and harrowing series of events forces him to go to the planet for real, or does he?

Total Recall Poster

A hacker is literally abducted into the world of a computer and forced to participate in gladiatorial games where his only chance of escape is with the help of a heroic security program.

Tron Poster

Transplanted to Mars, a Civil War vet discovers a lush planet inhabited by 12-foot tall barbarians. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter a princess who is in desperate need of a savior.

John Carter Poster

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Alex Krasny reviews Human Centipede Two youtube video

Alex Krasny reviews Human Centipede Two youtube videoI knew it was going to be bad, but it was worse than I could have imagined. This movie isn’t “worth a look” and it isn’t “bad in a good way.” It is so awful that I don’t even want to talk about it because I feel like people will want to watch it just to see how something could be so bad. The movie is awful on every level:

  • Horrible acting, (of how little there is)
  • Plot? What plot? Just an excuse for shocking imagery
  • Terrible pacing
  • Non-seniscal situations

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