two hours standing in line
wet floor sign alerts others
while the mess self cleans
seven hundred computers
still the room is cold
thousand internet experts
Anyone can put together a list of the sexiest video game girls. It takes a true connoisseur to limit himself to only those of the 16-bit and under variety. Don’t tell me you never fantasized about any of these perfectly-crafted pixel pretties! I present to you my top ten sexiest girls from the retro gaming world. They are in no particular order except for Peach being last because she is, and has always been, my secret fantasy. Please enjoy! Warning: Lot’s of images!!!
Cammy… where to begin. Cammy is one of those characters that was custom-built to be a sex icon. I mean look at what she is wearing. We are supposed to believe she is a military girl? Maybe the swimming pool military. Look at her victory pose! That actually happens in the game when she wins, she turns around and shows the player her perfectly toned delicious ass as a reward for the win. Imagine what she would do if you took her out to dinner.
Cammy is from Street Figher, for the uninitiated. She appears first in “The New Challengers” joining the cast as the only girl next to Chun-Li. Why didn’t I choose Chun-Li you ask? Well two reasons, first Cammy is better dressed. By better I mean I can see more of her ass. Although Chun-Li does wear stockings, which I love, so maybe that is a toss up? The real reason is Chun-Li’s legs are just too muscular for me. They are a little intimidating actually. Cammy, despite being an expert hand to hand combatant still strikes me as a flirty girly girl.
Not much imagination is needed to sexualize Cammy, “butt” one thing is for sure … If you are going to do Cammy, you better get the ass right.
It’s weird to have Sonya on a 16-bit list because she is only barely a 16-bit character. Sonya is a motion capture of a real woman (an athletics instructor) so her body is actually real. Nevertheless Sonya is on the Genesis and SNES in 16-bit glory so she counts. The fact that she is actually a real women gives fantasizing about her a little more merit does it not? All of Sonya’s moves look so realistic, that delightful leg grab for example. Imagine having your head locked inside those powerful legs. A dream come true for some, including yours truly.
Sonya was a late addition to Mortal Kombat. The game was almost completed without any female fighters at all but at the last second they decided to add one in. Good idea! Nerdy boys like girls duh! Obviously she was a huge hit, the “better half” of Mortal Kombat has grown with every evolution. Some may say Kitana or Jade are sexier Mortal Kombatants but they would be wrong. They don’t have her legs.
After MK1 Sonya is oddly missing from the MK2 … Or is she!? She can be seen shackled on the sidelines of Shao Khan’s arena. Shao Khan sure does know how to treat a lady, that rapist. Can’t say I blame him, if I was a badass like Shao Khan I would shackle love slaves all over my palace too.
Sonya has it pretty rough. She lives a spartan life keeping murdering scum off the streets, no time for romance. This is exactly why I would like to take Sonya out on a date, treat her like a lady, open the door for her, give her an excuse to wear that sexy dress and those strappy shoes she bought that one hopeful night. The night she almost went on a date. The dress that now hangs in her closet as a reminder of the life she can’t have. I want to give her that life. If only for one night. Especially if she is played by Jeri Ryan.
That was quite the development back in the day. Imagine a snot-nosed kid (me) playing Metroid on the NES. Spending entire DAYS in this black cave, lost as fuck, exploring, backtracking, shooting random aliens with a hand cannon. You really get into Samus’ head when you are trapped alone in the dark with only him. He becomes you, and it is you wearing that power suit. Until you realize you are a woman and your subconscious is thrown out of the suit like a bullet out of a slingshot. You actually have less in common than you thought! But then you get to thinking. How much does it matter that she is a girl? You both went through the same adventure, risked your lives together, lived inside the same suit, tasted each other’s sweat … I mean …
It was a hell of a revelation. M. Knight. Shamaylan eat your fucking heart out. That is how you do a twist. Actually it’s probably where that con artist got the idea for a twist in the first place.
Nintendo understood. The Metroid kids have been enjoying Samus wet dreams for over ten years, so they gave them what they wanted: the “Zero Suit.” Not really sure how or why it fits into the story all I know is it’s a blue, latex, skin-tight suit that shows off Samus’s perfect body from every angle. Trust me, I have checked.
Mai is from the SNK fighting game series’ King of Fighters and Fatal Fury. Although, I first discovered her in the much later game: Capcom vs SNK. Like her fighting game counterpart Cammy, Mai is a blatant sex symbol. Her 16-bit sprites actually have 2D boob jiggle. Possibly the first time this was done? I am not sure, but as soon as I found out I made sure to look up some videos.
Mai is a ninja who uses fans as her weapons, along with some fire abilities. Her real special power however, is having the best body in video game history, and she isn’t afraid to show it. Wearing next to nothing has several advantages for a ninja. First, it allows for maximum mobility. Second, she will surely distract any male combatants who are not prepared for what they see. Let’s be serious, Mai is a sexy, asian, female ninja sexpot. She is a like an explosion of fetish stereotypes. All you girls better be taking notes.
Chrono Trigger is a treasure among Super Nintendo games. This RPG consistently makes top ten lists for best game, and so do its ladies. There are three female characters in Chrono’s party, Marle the blond princess (typical), Ayla the prehistoric cave woman and Lucca the nerdy inventor. When I played the game I always took Lucca and Frog as my teammates. Frog just because I think a frog wearing gentlemen’s garb donning a sword bigger than himself is fucking badass, and Lucca … My sweet Lucca.
The sexy nerdy girl is an often sought stereotype among fantasy characters. Lucca covers all the bases. She is skinny, funny, nice, smart and most of all totally clueless about how SMOKING HOT she is. She has probably never been handled by the deft hands of a “skilled man” like myself. Lucca deserves to be treated like a beautiful women.
If I was Chrono, the choice would be clear. Marle is already a pampered princess, probably totally high maintenance. Lucca on the other hand is prime for the picking. On one of the cold nights in the desolate future in dome 16 I would make my move. After she is snuggled up holding her covers tightly, wishing a warm body could be next to hers, to comfort her, not only from the cold, but also the uncertain future. I would slowly remove the glasses from her pretty face and we would both wonder who’s dream this is.
I realize I am walking a fine line here, a fine line between an innocent fantasy and pedophiliac bestiality, but I think Dixie Kong is kinda sexy. if imagining this sexy blond chimp eating a banana is wrong, I don’t want to be right. It seems I might be the only one due to the lack of both fan art, and cosplay of everyone’s favorite chimpette. But why? Is it because she is a monkey? Give me a break! She can talk, she wears make up and clothing. She is more human than many humans I know. Is it because she is only 14 years old? Well she was 14 years old when she was in DKC2 but that was like a 20 years ago, she isn’t jailbait anymore.
Raise your hand if you remember Golden Axe? I can’t tell if nobody knows about this game, or my circle of friends has simply not be exposed to it enough. I have no idea how popular it is at all. Is this an esoteric choice? You have probably noticed most of my characters are coming from Super Nintendo. Well, here is my Sega entry.
Golden Axe is a beat-em-up game similar to Final Fight, or Battle Toads set in the bronze age. You can control one of three characters, the male barbarian, the female barbarian or the dwarves barbarian. Tyris Flare is the female, and she is a beast. Not only is she wielding a massive sword, kicking ass and taking names, but she looks damn good doing it. She is wearing the classic barbarian bikini, which provides her no protection whatsoever from enemy attacks, but sometimes you need to make sacrifices for fashion. Next time I hear a girl complain about how uncomfortable high heels are am going to reference Tyris getting hit by a fucking axe in the middle of some icy prehistoric mountain range wearing nothing but red boots and white panties and tell her to shut the fuck up.
The Legend of Zelda is one of Nintendo’s mega brands. There have been one or more Zelda games on every Nintendo Console from the NES all the way to the current Wii U. This allowed the Princess Zelda plenty of time and opportunity to transform from being a helpless damsel to a playable character. She even joins the Smash Brothers Melee and Brawl cast to throw down. Nintendo even gave her the blue jumpsuit makeover, which catapulted Zelda, or should I say “Shiek” her ninja alter-ego into the realm of super sexy.
I never got into the Zelda games. I played the original on NES, but never played any others so Princess Zelda isn’t that close to my heart. However I do have a soft spot for princesses in general so she still makes my list of hottest 16-bit vixens. Well, her being a princess and being best friends with Peach of course.
There is an interesting thing about Zelda. Looking for provocative images of the other ladies on this list has been easy (with the exception of Dixie Kong) but the collective internet seems to have a strange respect for Zelda. She rarely appears in vulgar fan renderings. All of the other girls have hardcore sex images, hermaphrodite concepts, the whole scattered list of fetishes including bondage, feet, tickling, latex, watersport, chubby, skinny, pregnant, handicapped … but not Zelda, she is squeaky clean! Not sure why that is. How different is she than Peach really? Perhaps even MORE interestingly, there are tons of images of Zelda, Samus and Peach getting frisky together. I guess those other two are a bad influence on Zelda. Those three probably do their fair share of experimenting don’t you think? Wouldn’t you love to hide under the bed of that slumber party? I know I would.
Peach, we all know her. She is the original damsel in distress. Even before Bowser was kidnapping Peach, she was being kidnapped by Donkey Kong. I know it’s just a simple story trope, but really… why did these monsters kidnap Peach? Holding her for ransom? Mario can’t’ afford to pay anything, he is a plumber. Bowser is already king of an entire kingdom, does he really need money? Donkey Kong? He is an ape! He needs bananas so badly that he will kidnap a princess? Why not break into the banana factory? No that is only what they want you to think. The are 100% sick degenerate rapists. They want to kidnap my delicate flower, tie her up, and have their sadistic ways with her. THAT is why I play Mario games. It isn’t just a game, it is a personal quest.
Most of us remember princess peach first from Mario 2. Of course she was in the original Super Mario Brothers but mostly people couldn’t name her back then, at least not beyond “the princess.” In Mario 2 she was a playable character and a noteworthy one at that due to her ability to float for an extended period of time. Beyond that she has been a staple in Nintendo games either being kidnapped by Bowser or as a playable character in Nintendo’s various party and sports games. Nintendo is doing a good job playing in to the fan service lately. Check out the body on Peach in some of those sports games. Brings a smile to my face every time. It’s interesting how she didn’t have blond hair in her first appearances, but later simply had blond hair. Was this just a continuity mistake? Or was the color yellow hard to work with in NES games? Clearly now, she is blond, and seemingly was always thought of as blond despite her hair being red or brown. Doesn’t matter, I love Peach no matter what color her hair is. Peach has always been my kind of girl: prissy, delicate, feminine and needs to be rescued. A real girly girl.
Ever wonder what kind of underwear Peach wears? Don’t tell me you never did. Pretty girl in a pink dress, its perfectly natural to want to see what is underneath. Look at her putting those stockings on, putting them on just for me. I would love nothing more than to peel those stockings off with my teeth, to feel the smoothness her skin, and inhale her breaths.
Is there someone I missed? I haven’t played every 16-bit game so I am sure there are plenty of beautiful gems that I have never even heard of. Please share your thoughts.
Waiting for Mass Effect 3 has really been putting a strain on my sanity. I have been pretty much grinding full time to get all my ME2 characters in a row and ready for import. Anytime I am not playing Mass Effect I am thinking about it. These haiku are the result of me trying to be productive and failing.
My father called me the other day and told me to make sure to go to Home Depot and get some dandelion killer because if I let the dandelions get out of hand they will take my whole yard over and then there is nothing I can do. I don’t get it. Why do you need to murder all the dandelions? They are cute little yellow flowers that don’t bother anyone. Not only that, but they turn into (arguably) the funnest flower in the whole world. The puffy cotton version that kids love to play with. Kinda like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, except more like a butterfly turning into an ever cooler butterfly. Like nature’s fireworks.
I think a fresh green yard looks good punctuated by little yellow bundles of summer. Green and yellow, like lemon-lime, a refreshing drink for your eyes on a hot summer day. I remember when I was a small child in the Ukraine my mom would braid these into halos or tiaras and I loved them. You can pick adorable little bouquets of dandelions and give them to your loved ones. It’s a shame your loved one would probably get insulted that you would dare give him or her a bouquet of weeds. WEEDS!
Dandelions got branded as weeds. Why!? They are clearly flowers. Really bright and inviting flowers at that. Not prickly like those asshole roses. They are cheap and accessible. They even smell nice. You know what I think? I think there is a conspiracy against dandelions.
The Secret Florist Society
Think about this: Dandelions are flowers that grow all over the place and anyone can just go out and pick them. Guess who doesn’t like the sound of that? Florists, that’s who. They don’t want you picking your own flowers out of your front yard, they want you spending $35 per bouquet of “rare” and “exotic” flowers. They had to nix the dandelions. They had to give them a bad rap. But this isn’t politics. The florists couldn’t just launch a mudslinging campaign to character assassinate the dandelions. Florists can’t go around accusing flowers of being weeds it’s too obvious. So what then?
The florist fatcats and their companies set up a lawn maintenance division (on the down low) and made dandelion poison and started marketing it as weed removal. How genius! They convinced all of America that the harmless yellow flowers in your yard are actually like a tumor choking your healthy grass. Now you need to rush to the store to by Preen so the “Dandelions don’t take over” while the florists laugh all the way to the bank. Meanwhile, you suckers spend big bucks buying flowers that are covered in thorns. Tell me I am crazy.
The Truth About Dandelions
So why exactly do we need to STOP THE DANDELIONS so badly? They help your lawn, help attract pollinating bugs, they have medicinal properties, and you can even eat them. Sounds like we should be doing the opposite of spraying weed killer on them. Sounds like they are the truffles of the flower world.
The Genocide Regime
The “about us page” of www.preen.com. Observe how preen claims they have been murdering dandelions since 1947. What an interesting year… Do you know what happened in 1947? The BABY BOOM that’s what! The returning WWII vets were having tons of wild sex all over the United States. How do you “seal the deal” for some wild sex? No it’s not Rohypnol; These are old fashioned people, they send flowers.
What else? A bunch of unused toxic chemicals from the war are up for grabs, and they are cheap! How timely for a “lawn maintenance” company to start up. What an ideal time to demonize dandelions and gouge the public with “exotic” flower prices! After all, no one is getting laid giving a girl a bouquet of weeds right?
Go spend money on roses son, and while you are at it, buy some preen and clean up that weed infestation on your lawn.
And the fat cats get richer … You know what else is interesting?