The Dandelion Conspiracy

My father called me the other day and told me to make sure to go to Home Depot and get some dandelion killer because if I let the dandelions get out of hand they will take my whole yard over and then there is nothing I can do. I don’t get it. Why do you need to murder all the dandelions? They are cute little yellow flowers that don’t bother anyone. Not only that, but they turn into (arguably) the funnest flower in the whole world. The puffy cotton version that kids love to play with. Kinda like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, except more like a butterfly turning into an ever cooler butterfly. Like nature’s fireworks.

bright yellow dandelions white puffy dandelions ready to spread seeds


I think a fresh green yard looks good punctuated by little yellow bundles of summer. Green and yellow, like lemon-lime, a refreshing drink for your eyes on a hot summer day. I remember when I was a small child in the Ukraine my mom would braid these into halos or tiaras and I loved them. You can pick adorable little bouquets of dandelions and give them to your loved ones. It’s a shame your loved one would probably get insulted that you would dare give him or her a bouquet of weeds. WEEDS!

Dandelions got branded as weeds. Why!? They are clearly flowers. Really bright and inviting flowers at that. Not prickly like those asshole roses. They are cheap and accessible. They even smell nice. You know what I think? I think there is a conspiracy against dandelions.

The Secret Florist Society

Think about this: Dandelions are flowers that grow all over the place and anyone can just go out and pick them. Guess who doesn’t like the sound of that? Florists, that’s who. They don’t want you picking your own flowers out of your front yard, they want you spending $35 per bouquet of “rare” and “exotic” flowers. They had to nix the dandelions. They had to give them a bad rap. But this isn’t politics. The florists couldn’t just launch a mudslinging campaign to character assassinate the dandelions. Florists can’t go around accusing flowers of being weeds it’s too obvious. So what then?

The florist fatcats and their companies set up a lawn maintenance division (on the down low) and made dandelion poison and started marketing it as weed removal. How genius! They convinced all of America that the harmless yellow flowers in your yard are actually like a tumor choking your healthy grass. Now you need to rush to the store to by Preen so the “Dandelions don’t take over” while the florists laugh all the way to the bank. Meanwhile, you suckers spend big bucks buying flowers that are covered in thorns. Tell me I am crazy.

The Truth About Dandelions

So why exactly do we need to STOP THE DANDELIONS so badly? They help your lawn, help attract pollinating bugs, they have medicinal properties, and you can even eat them. Sounds like we should be doing the opposite of spraying weed killer on them. Sounds like they are the truffles of the flower world.

The Genocide Regime

The “about us page” of Observe how preen claims they have been murdering dandelions since 1947. What an interesting year… Do you know what happened in 1947? The BABY BOOM that’s what! The returning WWII vets were having tons of wild sex all over the United States. How do you “seal the deal” for some wild sex? No it’s not Rohypnol; These are old fashioned people, they send flowers.

What else? A bunch of unused toxic chemicals from the war are up for grabs, and they are cheap! How timely for a “lawn maintenance” company to start up. What an ideal time to demonize dandelions and gouge the public with “exotic” flower prices! After all, no one is getting laid giving a girl a bouquet of weeds right?

Go spend money on roses son, and while you are at it, buy some preen and clean up that weed infestation on your lawn.

And the fat cats get richer … You know what else is interesting?

Think about it.

0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply